CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
the show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian who hosts the spin-off show to The Great British Bake Off.
She's just in it for the dough. It's Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE
And a young Welsh comedian who likes nothing better
than dressing up in sequins.
We've got so much in common.
It's Kiri Pritchard-McLean!
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a stand-up comedian who came here
from Germany 17 years ago.
I'm thinking his visa must have expired by now.
It's Henning Wehn.
APPLAUSE
And Christmas Day, Pancake Day -
please welcome my favourite, Simon Day.
APPLAUSE
We begin with round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out a statement from the card
in front of them. To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jo, you're first tonight. Oh, OK.
I once ignored a fireman's order to evacuate a building
because I assumed he was just a bloke in fancy dress.
Lee's team.
OK. When was this?
When I was at university in 1841.
Were you the only person who didn't leave?
Er, no, I don't think so.
It was, like, it was a student party. It was sort of fancy dress.
Oh, YOU were all in fancy dress. Oh, OK. OK.
Yeah. What had you gone as?
I think I took a pretty easy option, and I went as a Roman.
Well, what were you wearing? Yeah.
A sheet. That's not a Roman!
Oh, not a Roman soldier,
just someone who was around in the Roman era.
A senator, not a centurion. A Roman or a ghost?
So, first of all, where was the fire?
Was it in your room?
Well, actually, it was... It was a fire alarm.
I wasn't in the proper party bit, I was in my room,
in, er, with the door shut.
So how did a firefighter get in touch with you
if you were locked away in your own room?
Well, he banged on the door and went, "Fire Service."
With all due respect to your sheet,
you must have been quite impressed with his costume.
LAUGHTER
I was. How did the conversation go.
Right, I was in my room with someone else.
We were busy. Who were...?
Oh! Oh!
Is this how the fire started?
Because I know what you're like, Jo, you like to set fire to them.
Actually, we were...
We were revising.
Oh, right!
What was he dressed as?
You were a Roman, what was this other person...?
He wasn't dressed as anything.
LAUGHTER
So there's a banging... There's a banging on the door.
..and you stand up.
LAUGHTER
Now, Jo, I expect better of David, who was the first person to titter.
Let's try and have a level tonight, please.
Jo, there was a banging... On the door, yes.
..banging, banging, banging.
Then you heard the door. What happened?
What happened was this guy shouted, "Fire!
"Please leave the building," right? Yes.
So I just thought it was some drunk bloke mucking about.
Yes, yes.
So I said, "Could you please go elsewhere?"
What was your gentleman caller's reaction?
Er... Or was he still unconscious?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
My gentleman caller was the same as me - very entertained.
What do you think, Henning, is she telling the truth?
There is a few inconsistencies in that story.
Like? Well, the thing about the fire,
I don't believe.
LAUGHTER
We can stop there, then.
It's not, to be fair, an inconsistency, is it?
There's nothing inconsistent about it.
It's just it either happened or it didn't.
It's not like, "A fire, and I was in a lake."
That would be an inconsistency.
So, what, you're picking holes in Henning's command
of the English language? Yes.
Perhaps we should continue the rest in German,
to give him a fighting chance, ja?
Simon, what are you thinking?
Part of me thinks it could possibly be a lie.
You're going to say lie because you think that the story
has got inconsistencies? Yeah. I'm just trying to annoy David now.
I think I'd go with Simon.
So you're going to say it's a lie? Oh, absolutely.
With them kind of inconsistencies?
LAUGHTER
OK. Jo, were you telling us the truth, or were you telling a lie?
It was, in fact...
..the truth.
APPLAUSE
It's true. Jo did ignore a fireman because she thought he was
in fancy dress. Henning, you're next.
I consider myself a train vigilante...
LAUGHTER
..and... I don't think you need to read any more.
..and enjoy clamping down on passengers
who break my strict code of conduct.
David. OK.
What's the code of conduct, Henning?
I just think when you travel on public transport,
you have to consider others.
Oh, was it you consider yourself a TRAIN vigilante
or a TRAINED vigilante?
No, train. Oh, train. Choo-choo!
I thought he said "trained". I thought he said "trained"! Yeah.
Would you, for the sake of some of the dimmer panellists,
would you read it again, please?
I thought he said "trained".
I have to be honest, I thought you said "trained" as well.
I think maybe you did say trained vigilante.
How many people here think he said "trained"?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Would you please read it again?
I mean, Brexit doesn't make me leave, but you lot definitely...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I consider myself a choo-choo vigilante...
..and enjoy clamping down on passengers
who break my strict code of conduct.
It's interesting he says "clamping down".
What would you clamp down on?
What I would consider out of orderness.
So can we just run a couple past you? Yeah.
Someone with their feet up on the seat.
They might get a stern look. OK...
What else don't you like? Give him another example.
So, imagine I'm sitting there,
imagine I'm sort of a large, threatening figure...
My God, David, give us a minute.
..and I'm playing some, you know... Rachmaninoff.
..frightening, popular music.
Yeah, absolutely, some Rachmaninoff.
And it's very loud on my phone there in front of me.
What do you say to me?
I'll do the music, right? Yeah.
You can nod your head,
and you, Henning, can walk over and tell him.
OK. So, first... What I do is....
I haven't started the music yet.
HE BEATBOXES
Rachmaninoff, yeah?
It's RAP-maninoff. Nice!
HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING FASTER
Train's speeding up!
Should we...? Yeah.
Rob. Rob, Rob!
That's beatboxing, that's not rap. Sorry.
Am I right?
RAPS: # I get up in the morning and I have some tea
# I like to drink some tea... #
That's not, that's not rapping either.
Also rhyming is not the same - if you just use the same word twice.
Look...
RAPS: # I want some tea cos I like some tea! #
I was under a lot of pressure.
Have you ever thought about doing the new Eminem film?
You could have a proper battle!
HE BEATBOXES
If I see a really imposing figure... That's me. David.
..I'll have a look what the numbers are
in the rest of the carriage,
how confident I am.
Nah, he's too big.
All right. Kiri, do you think that Henning's been telling the truth?
No. No, of course not.
I think it would take a lot of confidence to walk over to someone
on any train carriage and just say to a stranger, "Be quiet."
I mean it in the nicest possible way -
I don't think you've got it in you.
I agree with Kiri. I think probably not, actually.
You think not? I think we don't think it's true.
You're going to say it's a lie.
OK, Henning, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
Well, to the best of my knowledge, this story is...
..true.
Simon, you're next.
Oh, I haven't got me glasses on.
Before being allowed out to play... True!
Very good!
Before being allowed out to play,
my mum used to write my address on my forehead in felt-tip pen.
David's team.
What age were you?
Sort of six, seven, eight.
So, how many lines of the address, or was it just a postcode?
She wrote the house number and the name of the street.
Did any other mums in your street do the same thing,
or we you the only...?
No. I had not returned home on a number of occasions,
and not found the house.
She said, "If you do this again, I'm going to write
"the name of the house on your forehead."
I think the idea was that a neighbour or a kindly person
would see it and say, "Come here, little fella."
Yeah... "I'll take you home."
What a foolproof scheme!
Some kindly fella with a big black hat and a net.
CREEPY VOICE: Lollipops! Lollipops!
She had a cruel side to her.
So how many times had you, as it were, disappeared,
and for how long?
Well, there were sort of three in a row.
And how many times in a row?
Three.
Did you did you go away from your street
and you couldn't remember where your street was,
or could you not remember which house was yours?
It was the house. The key was the house.
Cos they were like Spam houses - they all looked the same.
Right. They all had pampas grass outside.
And you're wandering around on your own... It's a swingers' joke.
And...
I've still got your keys, by the way.
And you're wandering...
I've still got your wife.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I was wandering lonely as a cloud. At six years old?
Yeah. Six, seven, eight.
And so how many times was the address felt-tipped onto you?
I've told you that - three.
No, you told me that there were three occasions that you'd got lost,
which led to the felt-tipping policy.
Now this, Henning, is what I call an inconsistency!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What do you do with your kids, Lee? Cos you've got a young family.
How do you keep track of them?
Well, I write on their head, but I put the wrong address on.
Kiri, do you think he's telling the truth?
I do, cos his demeanour's changed
and he's like a little boy who's been told off.
He's adorable, isn't he? He is.
He's an actor as well...
DAVID: We think it's true, do we?
I think there was one thing that Simon said that made me think
it was true, and that was you said, like,
your mum was a bit spiteful, or something like that.
You thought that's... Yeah. ..one of the reasons why she did it.
She's going to enjoy this when watches it.
Yeah, it's a shaming thing, isn't it? Yeah, it is.
"This idiot doesn't know where he lives."
Now that Jeremy Kyle's gone, we've got a new show to replace it!
So you're going to say it's...?
We're going to say it's true. OK, you're saying it's true.
Simon, was it true, or...?
That my mother used to write my address on my forehead
when I was six or seven...
..was a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Simon's mother didn't write his address on this forehead
before letting him out to play.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim
it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Christina.
So, Jo, what is Christina to you?
Well, this is Christina.
I once borrowed her car, then later watched in horror
as a Frenchman crushed it with his lorry.
Right, Jo's car-less companion.
Kiri, how do you know Christina?
This is Christina, and my dog ate the tip of her finger.
Kiri's dog's dinner.
And finally, David, what is your relationship with Christina?
This is Christina.
When my list of implausible things that have happened to me
that I could talk about on Would I Lie To You? blew away,
she returned it to me.
So there we have it. Lee's team, where will you begin?
Jo, could you just remind me again what you said? Sorry.
I borrowed Christina's car.
Then later on, a Frenchman crushed the car with his lorry.
So you borrowed her car? Yeah.
Why?
Because I had to go to a gig in Nottingham.
And you've borrowed the car,
you've gone to the gig, and then you've...?
What happened was, we got down the M1 and everyone said,
"Let's stop and have breakfast," like you do...
Breakfast? Well, three o'clock in the morning, you know.
Have you got other comedians in the car with you? Yeah.
And then, I didn't realise, but we were actually in
the lorry park and not the car park.
Did the truck reverse into your car...? It did.
And you're in the car? We're in it, yeah.
So why didn't you blow the horn or get attention?
Because it wasn't my car... But a horn is a horn!
"I'd better not touch that - it's not mine."
"I've got very dirty fingers..." Excuse me!
It didn't have the horn in the middle of the steering wheel.
Of course that's the first thing I tried.
I went, "Uh!", like that.
Where was the horn?
It was on the end of a stalk. You know?
How did you fit the stork in there if you had all these comedians?
You said it was a Frenchman driving this.
How would you know?
Did he go, "Ooh, le crush!" Well, no, what...
What happened was, I tried,
I was trying to find the horn,
windscreen wipers... As ever!
And eventually, I did find it.
But his lorry had already hit the car... Right.
..and started to make a crunching noise,
cos we were we were against the wall.
But it properly crushed?
No, not concertinaed it in, but...
Well, were you hit, or were you crushed?
You're the one that said crushed. Crushed the front bit.
The crumple zone, I imagine.
He stopped, I got out the car, went round to him
and he opens his cab and went...
"C'est la vie!"
What, "That's life"?
"That's life!"
So, go on, talk us through the conversation when you saw Christina.
Well, I phoned her. I said, "Look, I'm really sorry.
"I've had an accident with your car."
And she said, "Not again.
"Have you not thought about putting plastic sheets down?"
So the upshot of it was I actually did manage to drive it home.
It had... The grill had sort of half fallen off.
And you drove home like that?
Sorry, were you comedians or clowns?
HE HONKS Oh, no!
HE HONKS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, what about, what about Kiri?
OK, so, Kiri, you're claiming that this lady's fingertip is missing?
Yeah.
It's an interesting one this cos she is covering her hand.
But she would've been told to do that to give her lie a chance,
if she's lying. Cunning! Yeah.
Is she a friend of yours? She's my auntie.
Were you there when it happened? Yeah.
Where was it? It was in her kitchen.
In her kitchen? Your dog? Yeah.
What sort of dog have you got? I've got a Jack Russell.
A little Jack Russell!
Why are you saying it like he's a little cutie?!
He's taken someone's finger off! But it wasn't his fault!
He didn't think it was a finger when he ate it.
What did he think it was?
"Ate it"?! Did he gulp it down? Yeah.
Sorry, how much of the finger are we talking here?
So, she was peeling potatoes... Right.
..but she was doing it too fast
and she had her finger out like that.
And she was doing it really quickly.
And I was talking to her, so she's distracted,
and she just went like that
and then a big curl of her finger...
That can happen, though! Whoa, hang on!
So now you're saying it wasn't the end of the finger -
it was the sort of fleshy bit?
Yes. So that the tip came off...
And your Jack Russell, like a shark...
..smelt the blood in the air, leapt up.
And I'm presuming there was blood spurting everywhere?
Yeah, there was a lot of blood.
And what happens next? What did you do?
I didn't do anything - I was just panicking.
Cos you thought, "There's going to be no chips now."
So my dad got loads and loads of kitchen roll
and just, like, held it down and then took her to A&E,
and she got some stitches.
And the dog's still doing all right? The dog's...
The dog's dead.
Really? That was a hell of a punishment.
I'm not happy about the peeling technique, this away from you.
Surely people peel towards them, like that, don't they?
What?! Yeah. No. I peel towards. You peel towards.
I do my carrots the other way.
Enough of the filth!
Right, now then, what about David's...? Remind us again, David.
Well, this is Christina...
Hi, Christina. Give us a wave.
..and when my list of implausible things I could talk
about on this show blew away, she returned it to me.
So, hang on, where were you at the time?
I was in the garden. How many things were on the list?
Oh, I mean, hundreds of things were on the list.
Hundreds of amazing things
that, unfortunately, I can't tell you about, for obvious reasons.
So, just to clarify, you've got hundreds of things on the list,
and the last few series have been
the best of those things that have happened in your life?
No, cos I asked them to save the best stuff for after series 30.
In the hope that one of the pair of you will be dead.
You're in the garden at that moment?
Yeah, I'd been copying the list out onto a fresh piece of paper.
From what? From an older piece of paper that had become...
You're far more meticulous about this show than I am! Yes.
I keep a piece of paper with me at all times... Yes, I know.
You need to, in your condition. Yeah.
Anyway, it had been folded up in my diary
and I'd been adding these amazing, brilliant anecdotes,
which fans of the show will be familiar with.
Where does it blow to? Over the wall.
Your heart must have gone into your mouth
when you saw all that magic disappear.
Well, I thought, "This is a security issue." Of course.
I don't want this blowing away in the world.
Someone could photograph it, put it on social media,
and there goes series 31 to 36 of this show down the toilet,
like the paper from the other pocket.
And, so it blows over the wall.
So is this lady your neighbour? No.
Beyond the wall, at the bottom of the house,
is some allotments. Oh!
And was she... allotting at that time?
She was allotting.
Did you run down? Scamper down? Well, it blew...
Initially, it rested briefly...
SIMON: On a marrow!
..on... As you rightly say, on a quivering marrow
rested on the lawn and then another...
And so I ambled towards it in quite a relaxed manner, which I later came
to regret because a second gust of wind took it right over the wall
into the allotment.
How high is the wall? 100 feet. Wow.
Do you want to have another guess?
Thank God for that trampoline!
It's quite a tall wall. Right.
Not 100 feet - that's an exaggeration. OK.
So, suddenly, Christina is just happily in her allotment... Yes.
..and she's your ghostly head rising above a high wall.
What a horrible experience.
Well, I certainly do look disgusting.
But the upshot was... She passed you the piece of paper?
..she consented to go and pick up the piece of paper...
Were you not tempted...? ..and pass it to me.
..given you're so high up on the fence,
to just jump the wall and go and get it? No.
So what was the chain of events that
ended up with Christina and you becoming friends?
Did you say, "Oh, you handed that sheet of paper over ever so lovely.
"Do you fancy ever meeting up for a cup of tea?"
No, we've never met up for a cup of tea.
So why is Christina here?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Have you never seen this show before?
All right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Christina
Jo's car-less companion,
Kiri's dog's dinner, or David's helpful hero?
I think it's Kiri's dog's dinner. Why?
I just... I can see it happening. It seems plausible.
Jo's is plausible up until the driving home bit.
You can't be crushed and drive home.
Which way are you leaning, Henning?
Yeah, absolutely, I'm with Simon. I can see Kiri and her...
Because they look very similar as well.
They look very similar? Yeah.
So we think it's Kiri, do we? Mm. Yeah. OK.
You're going to say that it's Kiri... Yeah.
..and the finger and the dog?
OK. Christina, would you please reveal your true identity?
I'm Cristina and Jo wrecked my car.
GASPS
APPLAUSE
Yes, Christina is Jo's carless companion.
Thank you very much, Christina.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with...
..it's Lee.
Oh.
I've devised a simple mnemonic to help me remember everything
I need to pack when going on holiday.
LAUGHTER
I won't leave the house until I've ticked off everything
on my flip-flop list.
David's team.
OK!
LAUGHTER
I hate to do this, Lee,
but could you take us through the mnemonic?
Er... What is a mnemonic?
It's a... I can best describe it as new information that I received
about ten seconds ago. LAUGHTER
No! A mnemonic is basically flip-flop -
so the first letter of the list of all the things
I've got to remember.
So, for example, you'll probably want to know the first one - is F. Yes.
Can't think of anything beginning with F now!
LAUGHTER Flip-flop.
So, a flip-flop. F, F for flip-flop. So, sorry, F for flip-flop,
you use, even though the system is the flip-flop system.
So, you're remembering the word flip-flop anyway.
You then waste that first F.
LAUGHTER
Remind me again to take fl...
Is there not a risk you might take two pairs of flip-flops?
No, no, no.
Have you noticed he's doing singular,
so only packs one flip-flop. My flip-flop.
So that's your first F.
But there's another F coming up in a while.
Now you'll know why I said only one flip-flop!
LAUGHTER
L. L stands for lipstick.
LAUGHTER
Why are you taking lipstick?
Because I once, er... my wife, who always forgets her lipstick,
always says, "Ah, darn, I've forgotten my lipstick.
"My whole two-week holiday is ruined.
"They never have the product I've got in this country."
So, I got so annoyed by this over the years.
I thought, from now on, I'm going to take the lipstick
so that when she gets there, she won't start kicking off
and ruining the whole trip because her lips aren't red enough.
LAUGHTER
I. Is for the passport.
I for passport?
Yeah, because it's got me in it and I remember myself as I.
I must remember...
Now, this makes... It's I! Who's that? That is I!
LAUGHTER
It's I for ID. No, I never went with that system.
No? LAUGHTER
Now I think about it... All right, I won't help you. It's crazy!
LAUGHTER
Lee, you know that in just one letter's time we go to P,
which would seem very well suited for passport. It would, it would.
LAUGHTER
So what's... Right. ..what's P?
Me wife's passport.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right. F. F. Now, this is an interesting one.
F... is for francs - the currency.
Now, I know what... Francs don't exist.
I know what you're going to say.
But when I first developed this system, it was because we were
going to the South of France and I wanted to remember my francs.
And now that the flip-flop system is invented, I can't change
it for the E of euro because it will be flip-elop.
So, I always remember flip-flop, francs. Francs are now euros.
To get your euros. Not necessarily euros. It could be dollars.
Foreign currency. Foreign currency.
F - foreign currency. Foreign...!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Why didn't I think of that?!
Why didn't I?
David, there are times when I wish I was married to you.
LAUGHTER
Erm, L. L. Erm, I don't know if I told you about
my wife's habit of wearing a different-coloured lipstick
on the top lip to the bottom.
LAUGHTER
Oh, yes. It's an odd look.
I'm not going to lie.
It's an odd look.
So, it's another lipstick. LAUGHTER
Oh. Oh. Oh. Now, as everybody knows, when you go on holiday, there's one
thing you've got to remember.
And that is...
..the suntan lotion.
I go a weird shade of orange in the sun,
and if I think of an orange, I always think of the suntan lotion.
Yeah. Because orange body - suntan lotion.
I mean, what are you going to use the P for?
Because you've covered everything you'd need.
I take a spare passport for my wife, because we have the old passp...
You know you keep the old passport when you renew.
I always take it. Why? They cut through it.
Because they...
But, we once... You know when you just flash them occasionally?
We once lost the passport and used the spare one
and went like that and it worked.
Flip-flop. It's F-L-I-P...
It's eight letters and you use three of them for passports... Yes.
LAUGHTER
Two of them for lipstick. Yeah.
Over half of it is passports and lipstick.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, Jo?
Not much.
LAUGHTER
Kiri, which way are you leaning?
I think it's a lie. David, what's it going to be?
I think we'll go lie.
Right, well, feel the tension.
LAUGHTER
Lee, were you telling the truth?
Or was that a lie?
It's a lie!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't use the word flip-flop to help him pack.
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team have won, by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well played.
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE